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I. MISS. MY. SON. SO. MUCH.
I miss driving him to school, helping him with his homework, spending lazy Sundays together, going on spontaneous out-of-town trips. There are just so many things I miss. Back in Manila, it was just me and him. Me and him. He is my family. Now it is just me here in big NYC.
I worry about him. I call him as often as I can. Being a long distance mom is easier in this day and age. Phone, text, IM, there are just so many channels of communication. I seldom have long conversations with my kid. 11-year-olds aren’t exactly fans of marathon phone calls. But I make it a point to have many 3-5 minute calls in a week. I just want to let him know that I am constantly thinking of him. And that I am still a regular presence in his life even if I am halfway across the world.
I miss my son. I miss him a lot. I cannot wait for him to be with me here.
Hi Sweetie,
I know that I am supposed to be the adult raising you but you have been my rock all throughout these years. You have taught me to be a mom and to become a better person. You have taught me not to give up, to be strong, to forgive and to love unconditionally. You taught me not to forget to lock the doors or not to forget my car keys and to always make sure my computer virus protection is up-to-date. You taught me a lot.
There is so much I want to say to you, especially now that you are almost entering the teen years. Always know that I will always be here to listen to you. Remember, I was a teenager once myself not too long ago, so I will understand. I am not perfect but know I will always try my best for you.
Here are just some things I have come up. These are the things that I believe in and am in the continuous process of incorporating in my life. It will mean much to me if you learn it too. So here goes.
1. Always be curious. Read. Explore. Ask questions.
2. Be nice. But when the occasion calls for it, be tough and strong.
3. Treasure your friends and family. Be there for them.
4. Work and study hard.
5. Don’t be afraid to follow your dream.
6. Remember – moderation is key (in whatever you do).
7. Enjoy.
8. Know what you want and get it!
9. Keep your feet on the ground. Remember where you came from and the people who helped you along the way.
10. Laugh, cry, live!
11. Don’t deliberately hurt girls.
12. A hangover is just a state of mind.
13. Be careful. The real world can be tough. Look out for yourself.
14. Save. Invest. Be smart and careful about money.
15. Don’t give up. There is always a solution to a problem.
16. Avoid temptations.
17. Be humble enough to ask for help.
18. Apologize when you are wrong.
19. Call your mom.
20. Keep the faith.
You are a strong, smart and wonderful boy. I am so excited to see you become the happy, wonderful person that I know in my heart you will be.
Always know that I love you and will always be here for you.
Mom
Back when my kid and I were still living with my parents in Cebu, child support wasn’t an issue. My mom and dad would say, “Why do we need to ask money from them? We can raise the kid ourselves.” My ex’s family will give money, but it was not regular and it wasn’t that substantial. I didn’t have any opinion on it because I was just a kid. What do I know that my parents, who were both lawyers, wouldn’t know?
As I grew up, became more responsible and started to take charge of my life and that of my son, I realized that my kid’s dad should pay a predetermined amount of child support on a regular basis. My parents didn’t ask because it was a matter of pride for them. They had money, so why ask. But I differ in opinion, child support is not for the parent or guardian, it is for the child. It should be about the child. Any additional cash will go a long way for the child’s future. And as a matter of principle, the other parent should take responsibility for his child. Taking the child out on weekends and giving him gifts it nice, but not enough. Taking reponsibility involves contributing to the kids food, school and other necessary expenses.
Child support is based on the kid’s needs and on the financial capability of the parent. It doesn’t matter whether one parent earns higher than the other one, he/she is still obliged to give child support based on the amount he/she is making. So what I did was make a written agreement detailing monthly payments and school expense contributions. And yeah, I remind my ex, every month of his obligation.
Child support is a right of my kid and an obligation of the other parent. I will not let that right and obligation slip away.
It was when Lorenz was 6-7 years old that he wanted for me and his dad to get back together. I remembered on one occassion he took my hand, led me to his dad, got his dad’s hand, and Lorenz let us hold hands. He always asked me, “Mom, my friends have a mom and a dad. I only have you mom. Why don’t you and dad get back together?”
What a tough question that was. I explained to Lorenz that it didn’t work out for me and his dad. But his dad and I love him very much and that there are many people who love him too, like his grandparents and other relatives. Textbook answer, right? But I felt guilty. My son didn’t do anything to deserve to be in a broken family. Was I being selfish when I filed for the anullment? How will this affect my son? Can I raise him alone, without my parents help?
I know I might stike some as being happy-go-lucky but I have this attitude of going for what I want especially if I know in my gut that it is the right thing to do, despite being it unconventional or despite obstacles I might encounter. That attitude was what got me through my decision to have my marriage annulled at 21. That attitude was what made me get my kid from my parents and raise him alone in Manila. It is my life and I know what’s best for me more than anybody else. That marriage was NOT good for me. My son will not benefit if he is raised by a sad and bitter mom. I know I CAN raise my son alone. My parents may be great and stable and such, but I am the mom and I BELIEVE I am the best person to raise my son.
There are doubts, feelings of guilt and feelings of inadequacy that come and go. Being a single mom is sometimes a lonely role. You have to pick yourself up when you’re down, you have to make the tough decisions alone and you have to boost your own morale. You cry alone and sometimes there is no one to share the happiness. But I am never one to wallow in self-pity for long. Move forward, take it as a lesson learned and prepare for your next adventure is what I always believe.
I know I have to listen and trust myself. I try my best and I am enough – that is my mantra. That is what gets me through whenever those feelings of doubt and guilt creep back. I try my best and I am enough.
Yes. My 10 year old has a half sister. His dad took three months before springing the news to our son.
It was during one of their weekends when Lorenz called me. He said, “Mom, I have a sister.” I wasn’t surprised. My only concern was how it would affect my son. So I asked Lorenz, “How do you feel about it?” My son told me that it feels weird but it’s okay with him. As he said in his practical way, “Anyway mom, it doesn’t make a difference.
My concern was that Lorenz might feel jealous or sad when he realizes that indeed his dad will have another family – with a new GF and a daughter. I told him that, and again Lorenz said, “It doesn’t make a difference. Dad spending time with me is just a bonus, if he is busy, it is just normal. But dad’s ok mom. And I’m ok. “
Breaks my heart to hear my kid say this.
Then after a few days, he found a nice pink keychain. He told me, “I gonna give it to my sister.”
What a wonderful kid I have.
I guess this is true for all parents. We feel a sense of satisfaction when somebody tells us that our kid looks like us. Or we feel amazed when we see our kids exhibiting traits, mannerisms like ours or having the same interests as we have. I guess it is because we feel that we have left our legacy in this world. A part of ourselves is carried by our kids so that even if we are gone, there will be still something through our kids to remember us. Our kids, our legacy.
I want my son to be like me – working in the same field and having the same interests as I have. I sometimes find myself disappointed whenever he has other plans for his future. But then I realized that as a parent, my legacy to this world is not a son who is a replica of myself. My legacy to this world is a son who is unique, happy, fulfilled, generous and in his way can make a difference in somebody’s life and will make this world a better place.
When he grows up, it would be nice to see my kid following my footsteps but more that that, I want my kid to be the best person he can be for himself and for others. I don’t mind if we don’t have the same surname or if he works in a totally different field, as long as I see him doing what he likes and being with people he loves, that’s all that matters.
I got Lorenz his first brand-new desktop. But this desktop computer is not ready made and presented to him with a pretty red ribbon. No, No, no… He has to help in assembling the desktop components.
Rajah and Frank (my co-workers) were kind enough to scout for computer components and help him assemble the PC. Lorenz has a single core 2.2GHZ AMD processor, 2GB RAM, 80GB hard disk, LCD monitor, nice red casing for the price of …. Php20,000. Not bad, with these specs, if I may say so myself. But alas for the gamer in him, there is no separate Video Card because I was very rigid on the budget. Oh well.
Lorenz has installed Windows XP and next week he will install Linux in a dual boot configuration. He is excited to do that. He also has installed a bunch of games in his spanking brand new desktop that he calls King Ezlor(king of the Predators in Alien vs. Predator).
Lorenz and King Ezlor
I think this is good education for him . And he is having fun in the process, too!
Thanks Rajah and Frank for helping out!
Uhoh. We were in Church yesterday (yep, i go to Church now.. hehehe) when my son tugged my sleeve and whispered, “Mom, did you see that little boy over there? He looks so cute and adorable with his polo and vest. He looks nerdy. I want him to be my brother.”
Now I know that Lorenz has been wanting to have a baby brother for several years now. He has said to me a few times, “Mom, can you get pregnant and give me a brother? I want you to get pregnant but just don’t get married, okay? I want to have a brother but I don’t want you to have a husband. If you don’t want to get pregnant, Mommy, we can adopt. But our problem is, if we adopt, he won’t look like us. So better if you get pregnant. You can get pregnant, can you? “
Oh my dear Lorenz. I wish it were that easy. The getting pregnant part is easy enough but raising a kid ain’t no walk in the park. I told him, “Sweetheart, Mom is not ready to have a kid yet. Mom has to work hard and mom wants to spend quality time with you. Maybe in the future, Lorenz, maybe, but not now.”
I guess that explanation would do for now. But still, its cute and kinda heart-tugging to see him playing with little kids and wistfully saying goodbye to them when their mommies take them home.
Oh well.
Last month I felt uninspired and lulled by our daily routine. I don’t have the energy to play boardgames with Lorenz or to go out with him for a movie. Since its just the two of us, we do get tired of each other. Lorenz often told me that time how bored he is. I didn’t take it personally. I told him in my sometimes brutally honest fashion, “Tough! Deal with it sweetheart.” But then I realized that indeed we have to deal with it. We have overdosed on each other’s company and we need to spend time away from the house and with other people.
So he spent his sembreak in Cebu, away from me. And I am now in the US for a month, away from him. Sometimes I do need time away from being a single mom. The routine can make me bored, tired and unappreciative of my son. We parents need time alone — away from it all, just as our kids also need their space.
It’s my 2nd week in NY away from my son while my parents flew to Manila to babysit my son. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying myself. But I still find myself calling home and checking up on Lorenz although I know he is in good hands. Now, it is 2:12AM and I can’t sleep because I miss my son. Now, I want to play his “Command and Conquer Generals” boardgame. I want to watch Lord of the Rings Trilogy again with him for the nth time.
We really do need our “alone” time as parents. But as sure as its going to be cold tomorrow here in NY, I know that at the end of the day, I will always come back and stay with my little boy.
I will see you in a few weeks sweetheart. =P
My son has given me so many proud moments. One of them occurred yesterday when he told me, “Mom, my friend told me that 3 girls have crushes on me.”
My, oh, my. My son is starting to become a tween. True, he still loves watching cartoons and the Disney Channel. But lately, he has been concerned about his baby fat. He now loves listening to Rihanna and he has started to develop his own fashion sense. He is starting to be aware of girls although he says that he still finds them “ewww…” in general.
I am excited for Lorenz as he enters this stage. As a young mom, who acts like an overgrown teenager at times, I feel that I can understand and relate to him at this stage and through his teenage years. I have always told him that he can tell me anything and I will always listen. Oh dear, it’s going to take love, understanding and lots and lots of patience. My fervent hope is that my son won’t be as hard-headed as I was when I was a tween, teenager then young adult. Hehehe.
Oh well, going back to my son’s budding appeal to the opposite sex (go get them tiger! hehe..kidding) , I have started telling Lorenz this early that he should not intentionally hurt girls. Better train him young. I don’t want my little boy breaking girls’ hearts when he grows up!
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