Single Parenting 16: Guilt and Doubt

It was when Lorenz was 6-7 years old that he wanted for me and his dad to get back together.  I remembered on one occassion he took my hand, led me to his dad, got his dad’s hand, and Lorenz let us hold hands. He always asked me, “Mom, my friends have a mom and a dad.  I only have you mom. Why don’t you and dad get back together?”

What a tough question that was.  I explained to Lorenz that it didn’t work out for me and his dad.   But his dad and I love him very much and that there are many people who love him too, like his grandparents and other relatives.  Textbook answer, right? But I felt guilty.  My son didn’t do anything to deserve to be in a broken family.  Was I being selfish when I filed for the anullment?  How will this affect my son? Can I raise him alone, without my parents help?

I know I might stike some as being happy-go-lucky but I have this attitude of going for what I want especially if I know in my gut that it is the right thing to do, despite being it unconventional or despite obstacles I might encounter.  That attitude was what got me through my decision to have my marriage annulled at 21. That attitude was what made me get my kid from my parents and raise him alone in Manila.   It is my life and I know what’s best for me more than anybody else.  That marriage was NOT good for me.  My son will not benefit if he is raised by a sad and bitter mom. I know I CAN raise my son alone.  My parents may be great and stable and  such, but I am the mom and I BELIEVE I am the best person to raise my son.

There are doubts, feelings of guilt and feelings of inadequacy that come and go. Being a single mom is sometimes a lonely role. You have to pick yourself up when you’re down, you have to make the tough decisions alone and you have to boost your own morale. You cry alone and sometimes there is no one to share the happiness. But I am never one to wallow in self-pity for long.  Move forward, take it as a lesson learned and prepare for your next adventure is what I always believe.

I know I have to listen and trust myself. I try my best and I am enough – that is my mantra.  That is what gets me through whenever those feelings of doubt and guilt creep back.  I try my best and I am enough.